Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Quiet around here?

Yes, sadly it's been quiet around here. I've been trying to stay off the computer, or at the very least, limit my distractions.

I've been enjoying learning some photo editing software, and taking pictures again. How is it so easy to forget the joy and passion I once held for photography?

I've also been trying to get the house in order, slowly, as well as keeping up on the normal day to day duties. Again, it's hard to keep those up when you're not, feeling it.  Either because of being pregnant or just allowing myself to be distracted online.
Theres that pesky online business again... I just had to shut down Facebook. Today is no special day, there isn't anything in particular about it. BUT, I did just get sideswiped over the simplest thing. Knowing the his 2nd birthday is coming up, and seeing that all his mates are talking, being cute, causing trouble and some with illness I'd give anything to help just hit me that I'd give anything to be holding Michael, no matter how he was acting. Just one more sweet moment. One more heart stopping smile.

To be worrying over, can I love Jeremiah as much as I love Michael, worrying over sibling rivalry. Potty training before J comes...thoughts are endless. I'm missing out, and feel kinda left behind, as Michael mates get to these life markers and I don't have any idea of what it's like.
:::Insert pity party, of one, here:::

I turn on fun, funky music to try to get my mind off of the pain, and grief. But you can't really will it away. Not completely.

How wrong is it of me to feel that I wish this year was easier to face? How selfish am I, that I would like at least one full year of no reason to grieve.  Just...happiness. Joy. Excitement. Being innocent again.

So here I am...writing my feelings out. The best therapy I know of for myself. To turn music on, close my eyes and type. Letting the tears flow, the angry words be spoken, the heart to break just a little again.
To somehow face the day again with a smile and His joy in my heart at the end of it.

Lord, I really don't know how I can do this, year in and year out. But I am...I have no choice, but to keep walking. Keep living by faith. Keep seeing the best, the good and the honesty of life. No being afraid to face it...

It's not just my son I'm's my Dad too. Ah, the tears flow anew again. Oh how I miss my Daddy, my heart breaks again with his loss.  I miss his hugs...those hugs that made you feel like everything would be okay. Nothing could get to me. I was protected.

Grief will not get the best of me, although I'll indulge it when it comes. Grief helps heal, even when it hurts terribly.

So come on grief, lets do lunch today.

In His hands, always,



  1. Oh, Peggy! I wish there was a way I could give you a hug and take your hurt away. You have suffered so much loss over the past couple of years and I can't even begin to understand how you're feeling, but I do know that what you're feeling is neither wrong, nor selfish. What you're feeling is totally normal. You are such a strong, courageous lady, but even you can't be strong EVERY day. There are always going to be days when you feel Michael's loss and your dad's loss more sharply then other days. It's ok to cry and feel sad. It's all part of the grieving process. I know I can never understand how you feel, but I am here for you, mama and I keep you in my prayers always. Just try and remember that life is so short. Before you know it, you'll be holding Michael in your arms again and giving your dad a big hug as he welcomes you home <3

  2. There is no selfishness in your grief, friend. There is no selfishness in your missing. I've got tears streaming down my face just reading what you typed. And, I so wish I could say something that would just make all the pain go away. But I have nothing. Not that it helps much but I grieved with you when my mom told me about what happened even though we hadn't met, yet. As a mom, it was so close to home. You know what I mean. I grieved then with you and I grieve with you now. My prayers & thoughts are with you and I hope to share the joy that you will soon receive. Not that it helps but perhaps Jesus will give you a glimps of what Michael is doing up there now. You might not have him here but he is so happy & joyful up there. I pray Jesus shows you and that, it gives you so much peace and joy. He is being well taken care of & Jesus is loving on him right now. In fact, I just got a vision that your Daddy is playing with Michael... running around & chasing him... laughing... Michael running towards your daddy & him catching him up in his arms & swinging him around. Such a beautiful picture. So mucy joy and peace & no worry... just perfect.

    This verse came to mind, though.

    Call to me and I will answer you and tell/show you great and unsearchable things you do not know.
    Jeremiah 33:3

    In the quiet, in the stillness, He is here... (you know that song?)


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