Friday, December 30, 2011


I interrupt the scheduled posts for an, I need to purge emotions post.

Disclaimer: It's going to be a raw post I think so if you don't want to read my feelings, then please just pray for me and stop here, thank you.


Its one of the processes of grief that must be dealt with. But I've been holding back, clamping down on and stifling it. My anger scares me, I know how bad it can be. To lose control in a way that could hurt be so mad all you see is red (or black). I've only felt that way once in my life, and I've managed to keep it at bay since then.

But I can feel it...lurking. Waiting.

It's tentacles slowing wrapping around my heart, my mind and my mouth. I can feel the emotions rise at the drop of hat, over everyday things.  I jump down the throats of those I love.

I wanted to punch my car today.  Several times.

I wanted to ram my fist into a wall. Preferably brick so it would hurt more than the pain inside me did.

I just want my oldest son back and my Dad...I miss them so much.

I'm angry they aren't here.

I'm pissed I have to learn how to live without them.

I mad that I can't show them J, that we can't do stuff as a whole family.

I skivved that my Dad isn't here to be all heart-melty over J.

I'm angry.

And I'm scared.

I'm sad.

And I'm heart broken.


  1. Tricia Godwin30 December, 2011

    Peggy, I can not imagine what you are going through. It hurts to see that you and your family have to go through this pain. My heartaches for you. I wish I could give you a hug & shoulder for you to cry on and a ear to listen. I'm praying for you and yours.
    With lots of love,

  2. Thank you Tricia...I'd take the hug and shoulder anytime.

  3. Rachel Glickler30 December, 2011

    I'm crying for you, love.

    But know that they see J everyday. It's awful not to see them, too, and I hope your heart will pass through this soon.

    Above all, know that it is fine to feel this way. There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling.


  4. You know how much I love and respect you... I know you don't want to HAVE to be so strong but you are... and you are a hero in my eyes. I wish I could give you a real hug and a real shoulder to cry on or be there when you bust through a wall.... but I am here in Lalala land anytime you need me.

  5. <3 you thank you Mo Mo

  6. I am sorry, I can't imagine how it would feel to ever lose one of my children. I know you are a woman of great faith, and I hope that your faith can help you through this grief and anger. I will keep you in my prayers, Peggy.


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