I interrupt the scheduled posts for an, I need to purge emotions post.
Disclaimer: It's going to be a raw post I think so if you don't want to read my feelings, then please just pray for me and stop here, thank you.
Its one of the processes of grief that must be dealt with. But I've been holding back, clamping down on and stifling it. My anger scares me, I know how bad it can be. To lose control in a way that could hurt someone...to be so mad all you see is red (or black). I've only felt that way once in my life, and I've managed to keep it at bay since then.
But I can feel it...lurking. Waiting.
It's tentacles slowing wrapping around my heart, my mind and my mouth. I can feel the emotions rise at the drop of hat, over everyday things. I jump down the throats of those I love.
I wanted to punch my car today. Several times.
I wanted to ram my fist into a wall. Preferably brick so it would hurt more than the pain inside me did.
I just want my oldest son back and my Dad...I miss them so much.
I'm angry they aren't here.
I'm pissed I have to learn how to live without them.
I mad that I can't show them J, that we can't do stuff as a whole family.
I skivved that my Dad isn't here to be all heart-melty over J.
And I'm scared.
And I'm heart broken.