This is part two of a series, on why or how I am where I am, in regards to loving and seeing my children joyfully, and my desire to not have bitterness about losing Michael, and therefore having that effect my relationship with Jeremiah or Molly. I hope you learn something from this, and if you don't, at least pray for me, always, that I'm the mother God has bless me to be! Thank you!
I’m just beginning the journey through motherhood. Jeremiah is almost a year old, and Molly will be here soon. I know I still have a lot to learn, and they will teach me. But one thing I have kept in the front of my mind is this, To give thanks, and consider it joy, when I’m tired, cranky and don’t know what’s wrong with Jeremiah. Though I might feel that it’s too much, I remember the feeling of emptiness, and the longing I had to be a mom again. And that simple reminder, along with God’s peace and grace, give me the strength to face one more sleepless night. One more crying episode. One more moment of feeling lost. This is Michaels gift to me.
I can let my son explore, move, fall, cry, learn, laugh and grow. Without jumping, over reacting, fearing what may come. I can let him be Jeremiah, created for a purpose by God. This is Michaels legacy to his brother.
I can remember to enjoy a 3rd pregnancy with Molly. I can experience how it feels to have a child outside and in the womb. I enjoy how she reacts to her brothers voice. I can be blessed to have this experience, finally. This is Michaels legacy to his sister.
1 Peter 4:12-13
“Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trail which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you;
But rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ’s sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy.”
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such thing there is no law.”
I’m not perfect, by any means. I don’t think this is easy, or the way for all parents who’ve lost a child(ren). I just think/know that this is our path, and this is how I’ve chosen to take it. This is how I choose to remember Michael, and help his siblings to know him, to be blessed by him, and not cursed. I want my children to see that his loss made us better parents, more loving not less, more giving not reticent. I want them to know, that instead of closing ourselves off to the amazing gift of parenting, that we opened our arms wider, because we trust God to do what is best for them and for us. No matter what that may look like, or what we have to go through. Children are a blessing. No matter how long they stay with us on earth, they can be blessings of huge proportions. That is how I long to see Michael. It’s how I long others to see Michael. That not only his life, but his death, was/is a blessing.
“Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward”
*notice it doesn’t say living children only, but all children of the womb, are gifts, rewards.
Join me next week for the conclusion!