Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Land of What If

The thing about the Land of What If, is that reality comes back fast. At least, with me it does.

I can only life in the Land of What If for so long, before I tell myself to shake out of it. I cannot go back and change a thing, I cannot go back and try the other outcomes. I am in this outcome, and I have to accept it. Even if I don't want too...especially if I don't want too.

I'm not the type of person to be lead by my emotions, when things get tough, the brain takes over and my heart is lagging behind. Although with being pregnant, my heart has spoken up a few times.

Being in the Land of What If can be very dangerous, if there too long. Guilt, shame, the questioning of ones self, are not far behind in that Land. You always work with what you know, when you know it, as you know it.

It still hasn't completely sunk in, that my Dad is really gone from this life. I still fully expect him to come out of his den with some news headline he has to share. Or to get some silly text like, wakey wakey, when he'd try to tell me to get up.  I have to tell myself that I won't get those anymore...won't hear him picking on my Mom, won't get those great hugs, that I won't get the bird when I'm being silly or sarcastic to him. My child(ren) won't know their grandpa this side of Heaven and that hurts.

While I might not be in the Land of What If, I'm still kinda numb to his loss, still not really sinking that life has changed, again, for our family.

Thank you for your prayers, thoughts, and kind comments on Facebook as well as here.

1 comment:

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.