Sunday, March 11, 2012

Two Years and Grief

Two years. 

Today is two years. 

Let me tell doesn't feel like two years. It feels like yesterday and feels like ten years.
Last night I had a hard time sleeping...I should have gotten up then to write this.

All I can think about is grief. What it's like, now that time has passed. Time helps soften the edge of grief, yet it's still there. Like a worn out old robe that you put on, only to remind yourself that it doesn't fit, you should get rid of it. But you it hangs around, waiting for the next moment you wrap yourself in it. Grief seems like it'll never go away. But it diminishes and only pops up here and there. It's a whole sight better than being engulfed, inflamed in it all day, for months. But it still hurts, when it pops up. That pang of memory, the sharp drawn in breath that YES, it can still hurt straight into your heart. I've forgotten the PAIN of grief...until recently. It's blessing that God has made those early days and weeks a blur. Truly it is, if it was that painful.

Many people tell me to not be sad, angry, etc. That they, Mickey and my Dad, wouldn't want me to be sad or upset. Well...this is where I'm going to beg to differ.

I have every right to be sad. To have down days, to be off every once in awhile. When you live life missing limbs, you have days that are worse than others. You have memories of that limb and can feel it...only to look and not see it. 

Being sad doesn't mean I don't have faith in God.
Being sad doesn't mean I think it will change anything.
Being sad MEANS I miss my son and father. 
Being sad means I have something to show them, tell them...and they aren't here. 

I think it's healthy to have those moments of sadness, grief, anger still...holding it in certainly isn't the best idea.

So when I have moments, humor me, love me, hold me, pray for me. Be happy that I am expressing emotions, even if they make you uncomfortable.

Today we celebrate our son going to Heaven. As we continue to educate ourselves and others about SIDS, we deal with what it means to have this diagnosis of un-diagnosis. It's beginning to get to me, that it was declared SIDS. My reasoning's can be a whole other post though. 

So today, this day that you set your clocks forward...kiss your family and friends. Make memories that will be cherished in later days. You really, truly never know what will happen next.

From our family,


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