I've found myself going to look at Facebook a lot these last few days. It's habit to go there 'quick' and end up there for hours, if not all day. I have no self control when it comes to social media, I guess. Many times I'll think of something and say, "Oh, that would be perfect to post to FB..."
I find that I'm asking myself, why?
Why do I need to post to fb my thoughts?
For the almost instant validation that it gives, that my thoughts are relevant. Worthy. Noticed. That I've made an impression on someone that day. All well and good...but again I began thinking...
What about making the impression on my son? What does the time spent online (in general) say to my son?
Yikes! That question is harder to face, let alone answer.
I'm shamed to say that it speaks volumes to my son, and those volumes I do not want him to feel. Growing up, computers become my Dad's addiction...he was always on them. Focused so much so, that the house could have burned down around him and he wouldn't have noticed. It nearly did once. He wasn't proud of that moment. I always felt like I had to compete with a machine for his attention. For his love. Oh, I knew he loved me, and loved me very much so. But computers became his life-long habit. Only to be put down permanently about a week and a half before his death.
If I don't get my habits in order, if I don't tackle this addiction...I'm soon going to be sending the same signals to my own children. I will soon be wondering why they don't listen to me. Because I didn't listen to them. I will wonder where the time went. Because I will have wiled it away online with strangers or friends when my children needed me.
This is difficult for me...so...difficult to admit. But I think honesty is the best route. Especially with oneself.
So...onwards and upwards with this 40 Day Fast!