I don't want to tell this story. I don't want you to think I'm a liar. Or a hypocrite. Here I am, talking about biblical marriage, and seeking to walk in a Christ centered relationship with my husband...and I'm a hypocrite.
But I feel this tug, this gentle yanking on my heart to share this. To finally share, and place it at His feet. To chip off my shame, and let Him heal the part of our marriage that I try to hide.
You see...when my husband and I met, he was married. I wish I could sit here and tell you all the circumstances in his past relationship, to make myself look better. But I can't. I won't.
I did the un-thinkable...the thing which many women hate.
I stepped between a man and his wife. To this day I feel such shame, and anguish over this. I KNOW what I stepped into...and that makes it tougher for me. I have been holding onto the shame and guilt since...sometimes I wonder if Michaels death is His punishment for this action. Though I know that God doesn't work that way...it's hard not to think it.
I feel very strongly about marriage, even before my own, I knew what I wasn't going to do...yet I did it.
I was 'the other women' The woman scorned and shamed among other women. The one looked down on, and despised. The one left out and banished..I am her.
I feel like all my striving today in my marriage is to make up for the one I ruined. I get scared sometimes, that my husband will walk away from me. Why not, he did it with me? Those insidious whispers lie into my ears.
I've had ladies tune me out, the minute they hear about this...any advice I give is instantly not acceptable, or valid. But you see, I know what 'she' feels...the shame and sorrow that separates her from regular married women. Something about my story makes me ill equipt to speak about marriage, to their way of thinking.
But don't you SEE?!
I did it ALL wrong...and I can see now WHY it should be done HIS way...and not lead by the lusts of flesh, and the sins of immorality. I long to share with you, why I think that one should wait until our Abba brings our right partner into our lives. I wish I could tell you why I strive and seek to be the godly wife He calls me to be. Because I did it WRONG. And now I want to it RIGHT.
I want to tell you my story...but I fear to lose your friendship. My heart yearns for truth, and the ability to speak out. To speak with knowledge of the 'dark side'. But I fear you'll shut me out. Don't you see, that I can speak from a place of knowledge, of the rocky path that leads to sinning, and lusts of the heart? I've been there, I know what those innocent flirtations, and intimate settings can lead too. Don't you know, that I long to help YOU live in a Godly, righteous marriage, so that what I did, can't be done to your relationship?!
Believe me when I say, no one judges me in this, harsher than I judge myself. I've held onto this judgment so tightly, and for so long, that I don't know where to let go first...I don't know from where it needs prying loose first.
My soul longs for peace and healing, but my mind and heart tell me I'm not worthy of it. I hear such ugly taunts in my head.
I want someone to come up to me, and hold me. Telling me I'm lovable anyways. That I'm worthy, anyways. That I'm worth saving, in spite of this.
And He has. Many times. Though I haven't believed it. I LONG to believe it...but those whispers again...
Oh Abba...my heart is breaking right now. I'm so ashamed and I've held this for so long... I don't know what to do with it. I don't know how to let go. Please help me...I'm so tired of this burden. This lie...This shame. Take it from me...help me to let go.