This is part one of a series, on why or how I am where I am, in regards to loving and seeing my children joyfully, and my desire to not have bitterness about losing Michael, and therefore having that effect my relationship with Jeremiah or Molly. I hope you learn something from this, and if you don't, at least pray for me, always, that I'm the mother God has bless me to be! Thank you!
The moment was rift with anticipation, nerves and
excitement. The technician moved the wand over my belly, making her
measurements, while my husband and I held our breath. We had prayed, hoped, thought it would be best, if we had a girl. A boy
might be too tough, bring back to many emotions and memories.
As she continued to move the wand around, we saw the form of
our child, loving him/her more and more. Finally, at last!
“It’s a boy!”
God gave us another boy. Our sweet Jeremiah. In that moment
I looked at my husbands face, I have never seen the look of such joy,
excitement and elation on it before, or since. My own face must have reflected
something similar, because he grabbed my hand and said, “We have another boy!
Jeremiah!”
In my own heart, I was at peace completely. No fear. No
disappointment, just a deep abiding knowledge that God is good, and this was
PERFECT.
1 Samuel 1:26-28
New King James Version (NKJV)
26 And she said, “O my lord! As your soul lives, my lord, I am the woman who stood by you
here, praying to the Lord. 27 For this child I prayed,
and the Lord has granted me my petition
which I asked of Him. 28 Therefore I also have lent him to the Lord; as long as he lives he shall be lent to the Lord.” So they worshiped the Lord there.
So began the prayers to be the mother God created me to be.
I prayed frequently that I would love Jeremiah as himself, and see him for who
he was, and not compare him to Michael. I prayed deeply to give my children the
blessing of what being Michael’s mom was, not the curses. I don’t want to
burden my children with unnecessary grief, which is not theirs to bear.
Psalms 55:22
22 Cast
your burden on the Lord,
And He shall sustain you;
He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.
And He shall sustain you;
He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.
*****
Just a few short months after Michael passed away, I got up
to speak about our loss, and our journey through grief, and God’s hand in it
all. Afterwards, a woman came up to me. The look on her face spoke volumes to
me. She was carrying a burden. Just a few sentences she told me, and they stick
with me. “Don’t
withhold your love or life from any children you have down the road. I have
lived under the shadow of my sister, who passed away as a baby. My parents were
cold and distant from me.”
Oh how my heart hurt for her. And a seed was planted in my
heart. Now, my grief journey wasn’t just to grieve Michaels loss, but to
prepare my heart for love, life and being a mom again. I don’t think I’ll ever forget her face, or
her words.
Titus 2:4
“That they may teach
the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children…”
1 Corinthians 16:14
“Let all that you do be done with love”
****
Join me next week for part two!
Linked too:
Praying for you. I had many losses before I was able to hold my first, second and now third child in my arms. I lived each pregnancy with FEAR and then hope at some point. May God Bless you and keep you forever within His reach.
ReplyDeleteThank you :)
DeleteWise woman to listen to another wise woman's words! You have done well. J seems such a pleasure. I see Z in what you have posted about Michael. Not sleeping and always upset. Ill pray for you and please you pray for us~ Hugs cuz!!! You a good mommy! Love the sensory experiments,
ReplyDeleteKaren,
DeleteI'm always praying for Z. It's tough when they are so uncomfortable/in pain. One day at a time.
And thank you cuz, it means a lot that people see what we do, in J. We have been incredibly blessed with him, words can't accurately describe it.
Love you!