I've been quiet on here lately...
So much going on and I don't know where to begin...
So many things with Molly remind me of Michael that I find myself sinking into attitudes and places I didn't want to revisit...ever again.
I see in myself an ugly side that doesn't have regard to myself, my children or my husband. Even, God. All I keep thinking, is thank God that no one but Him can hear my thoughts, as what I say is bad enough but the thoughts...well...those are horrid.
I don't have a connection to Molly like I'd had with Jeremiah. I feel like a bad Mom because of it. I love her...but I just feel very distant.
Do I connect her to Mickey?
Am I expecting something to happen to her?
I don't know...
My emotions run the range from anger to tears in a matter of seconds, and I'm not an emotional person. o.O It's driving me nutty.
I've called for an appointment with my doctor...I can't do this anymore.
Please pray for me....
So much going on and I don't know where to begin...
So many things with Molly remind me of Michael that I find myself sinking into attitudes and places I didn't want to revisit...ever again.
I see in myself an ugly side that doesn't have regard to myself, my children or my husband. Even, God. All I keep thinking, is thank God that no one but Him can hear my thoughts, as what I say is bad enough but the thoughts...well...those are horrid.
I don't have a connection to Molly like I'd had with Jeremiah. I feel like a bad Mom because of it. I love her...but I just feel very distant.
Do I connect her to Mickey?
Am I expecting something to happen to her?
I don't know...
My emotions run the range from anger to tears in a matter of seconds, and I'm not an emotional person. o.O It's driving me nutty.
I've called for an appointment with my doctor...I can't do this anymore.
Please pray for me....
I've been to that dark place and I know what it feels like. Someone once told me, you wont always feel like this. I held on to the thought and in some ways it got me through. But I also remember people saying it was just the baby blues and that really pissed me off. What you are feeling is valid. Your emotions might be exaggerated but they are still valid emotions.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that you're struggling, Peggy. You guys have had such a rough start. That would be a tremendous strain on anyone. I'm glad you're getting help so that you can fully enjoy your beautiful little family. Prayers for you and your family. (((hugs))) <3
ReplyDeleteThanks Victoria.
ReplyDeleteThank you Skyla.
I feel ready to just check out but I know I can't...
I've never had PPD, but I have struggled with depression. It hurts, but it is doable. Reward yourself for the tiniest of things. Put one foot in front of the other, and make small progress. But give yourself a break and rest also.
ReplyDeleteI know at this time thankfulness is hard. But that smile on J's face, thank God for it. That baby that is healthy another blessing. Any time you get to sit down and rest, a blessing. In these things use the little bit you can feel thankful for and it will help to turn the tide on those depressive thoughts trying to overwhelm.
I'm fighting some of the same demons, just different people :/ <3
ReplyDelete