Confession

Can I share something with you that I haven't told but a handful of people? 

Sometimes, I wish I was pregnant again. Oh, not for the actual pregnancy, because they have never been loads of fun. No, I wish I was, because I love our babies, and know my heart can love more. 

Sometimes, I wish we had prayed more, before doing a procedure that ended our ability to have more. Prayed and sought His will, in spite of our fear. Reacting from a place of fear is not how we should have acted. We should have prayerfully considered the whole picture. Sure, logic told us that getting my tubes tied, because of the 3 early births, 3 c-sections, increased risks of complications for more c-sections, 3 times having pre-eclampsia, etc, logic told us that we chose the correct course of action. But logic is nothing, compared to the voice and will of God. Logic should not have trumped praying and seeking Him.

There is nothing to do at this point. But pray and seek His will now for our family. He knows what's in store for our family, and while I mourn that we can't have more children, nothing is impossible with God, especially when we seek Him above all. 

And I have to say, I don't think I really discussed it with my husband either. I know he stood by my choice, but I was so full of fear, that I didn't stop to think that he needed to voice his thoughts on it as well. That he needed a say in this, as it effected him as well. 

I try not to have regrets about this situation. Nothing can be done now, and I will love my children all the more and all the same. But some part of me may always wonder, who else would have joined our family, and given such joy to us? What other little faces would be added to the family tree? Only God knows, and right now...I will hold these two precious lives in my arms, and thank Him for blessing us with them, daily. 

Not one day goes by that I don't pause and breath a "thank you" to Him who sent us Jeremiah, and Molly. Not one day goes by that I don't pause and remember Michael, and thank Him for him as well. 

Mostly, not one day goes by, that I don't also thank Him for the man I married. No amount of words can explain the love and respect I have for him, my Mr. Man-Cakes. ;)