Fear Causes Ugliness

This week I realized my journal-ing was very, blah. Something was missing, and He knew what it was.

 It was my full heart. The full truth.

 I was keeping back the part that some might say was the uglier side of me. Those thoughts that I didn't want anyone to read, let alone know about me! But here He was...pointing it out to me, in black and white. He even showed me that most of the time, my prayers were like that too! Dry, very ho-hum. Not fully vested in Him, or fully truthful! OH how humbling that is, to see that face-to-face. (Or rather, face to written word) So I stopped my train of thought in it's tracks, and said okay, here goes!

I'm doing a study that challenges the reader to say yes to God. Fully, 100%, yes. To count and know the cost. Well guess what...I THOUGHT I had counted the cost and said yes. But a little dark fear still held on tightly, refusing to be shaken loose.

I am scared of the cost of fully saying yes, I know that I fear more of what I SEE, more than I fear HIM. Whom I can't see. I fear losing my kids, or my husband, I fear death for them, but I don't fear HIM enough for their salvation, to follow Him at all costs. 

That is very humiliating to see written down. 

I don't want this fear, this selfishness. I want to see my parents, my husband and our children and their families by my side in heaven, worshiping Him with our whole hearts. I dream of it, and I can almost hear it. I want to know I'd been faithful at all costs, to stand before Him and say, yes I feared, but I chose to fear YOU instead, and look at the blessings You've given me in return!

Deut 6:5 says, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your mind and with all your might.”

He doesn't say, whenever life is easy, love Me. He doesn't say, whenever life is XYZ, love me. He says WHATEVER is happening, WHATEVER WILL happen, LOVE Me. With ALL of you. No little piece tucked away, in fear. No holding back. Fully committed to Him, just as He is to me. Again, humble moment.

Oh, how my soul fears the pain that will come, might come. How quickly I remember the pain, but how quickly I forget that He provided peace, unbelievable peace, and hope.

Lord, I am on my knees asking You, pleading with You, to help me to remember the peace and not the pain. To remember the hope and not the fear. To remember YOU, and not the circumstances. For in You all things ARE. Thank You, for then, for now, and for the future. Amen

Linked up over at Intentional By Grace, Fellowship Fridays #51