EX Spanker

I am a spanker, occasional yell-er, react in anger type of Mom.

But I don't want to be.

I long to be the type of Mom that has a spirit of love, understanding, gentleness and patience to once again show her child how to navigate through life.

 

I want to show by example, how to react when things don't happen right away, when things get messy in life; I want to show Christ to my children, while showing them discipline and service is a beautiful thing. 

I want a servants heart, a burdened heart for these precious souls entrusted to our care. To shape, encourage, exhort and train up in the right path, towards God.

I have a ways to go, but even now I see the beginning of a beautiful thing in me, that He created, and is polishing up.

I can feel the settling of spirit, when things go wrong, before I even stand to address it, God whispers in my heart, “Love them, for they are Mine.”

I can hear Him, when I move to discipline, “Remember to show love and care while correcting them, for the are Mine.”

I can hear, and I'm beginning to obey...though there are times that I still push past the nudges, and react to my emotions. But God's grace will carry me through this, and I know my children will see the Mom they need and the Mom God's given to them, in all her redeemed sinner glory. ;-)

I know I can't be perfect, but I'd like to be where I think of love before anger, service before selfishness and thankfulness before indifference. And because this is what God wants from me, it'll happen, slowly, steady and sure.

Sometimes I have to ask myself, “Why am I upset that J is crying and fussing?” “Why am I so short with him, as he distracts me from what I doing?” “Why do I get so angry when he doesn't listen?”

The answers are humbling...humiliating too.

I'm on my computer. :::Head bowed:::

Yes, I'm on my computer, a piece of plastic and metal, wires and electricity. I have now started to recognize when I'm so upset, and realize that HE needs the attention instead of whatever I was looking at online. These moments are precious and short. 

I want to remember his joy, at playing with Mom. 

His enthusiasm in drawing. 

His warm toddler body snuggled on my lap, as we 'read' a book together.

The way my heart clinches when he leans in for a kiss, and then grabs my face and kisses me back.

I want those to be my memories of this time. And I want them to be HIS memories. I want him to know that Mommy is with him, playing with him, enjoying his presence, and his life. That Mommy loves him more than anything. I want this for Jeremiah and for Molly. 

God is gracious to us Mom's...and knows that our hearts have to undergo a change, a constant transformation of self, to be more like the creations He intended us to be. It takes a lifetime to become as He wants. 

Lots of mistakes will happen, many times anger will win out over peace.  

Often, self will be more important than service. 

Frequently the desire to show Christ will fail to show through in our exhaustion, doing one more chore, one more thing. 

Sometimes...we just need to fall to our knees and cry, "Abba, Father...help me. I need You, I'm spent and can't handle this without You. Help me." 

And He is there...ready to pick us up, hug us close, whisper words of love and encouragement into our hearts, and give us a little more faith and a little more endurance to get through what the day holds.