I've shared the story many times already, but it's still one of the biggest life changing and life challenging moments to date. And sometimes I still can't see the whole picture of it, the 'good' in it.
In 2010, after our 5 month old son left this earth, our lives were broken beyond recognition. I was hurt, overwhelmed with a grief so heavy, I thought I'd never get out from under it. I was angry. Confused. I thought surely, this was His punishment, for the sin we'd committed in being together while he was still married.
But one thing I knew...I would still choose Christ.
As I struggled with the pain, and loss, I began blogging through it. In a hurry to get it all down, so I could remember what he smelled like, sounded like, how he smiled. And with each memory being put down, I ached for the ones that wouldn't replace them. The first time he spoke. The first steps. The first day of school. I would miss those firsts...and it hurt!
But one thing I knew...I would still choose Christ.
In writing those memories down, it was like I was wrapping them gently, and placing them at the foot of the cross. I was giving them to Christ...and though at times it hurt, and some memories took me longer to let go of...I still choose Christ.
Now...I can see some of the beauty from those ashes. The bonds of marriage have become stronger, move focused on Him. The children we've been blessed with since, are a joy, unexplainable. My husband has come to know Christ more, and see Him more...trust Him more.
Yes, our lives were interrupted. But what a glorious legacy, from that interruption.
I've had some ask me, if I want Michael back. Part of me will ALWAYS want him back. But the greater part of me is at peace that this is how it's meant to be. If this has been God's plan for us, then I wouldn't change it. For there is a purpose in all things, and He will use it for our good.
If I confess of the mouth, then the walk and heart must follow. I can't pick and choose what I believe about Him, because something may hurt, or be more than I can bare. I must choose Christ..in ALL things.
Linked up today over at:
Peggy,
ReplyDeleteThank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story here. I'm so glad you continue to choose Christ...what a joy it is to see Him drawing you and your husband each closer to Him. With every hard thing we have to walk through, we can choose to let it bring us closer to Jesus or we can reject Him altogether. You've made the better choice. My mama heart aches with you but our hope is that you will see your sweet Michael again one day. Big hugs to you! ~Shelly (OBS Team Leader/Blog Hop Coordinator)
Thank you Shelly. I can understand how some might choose to reject Him. The fear of letting go of the grief can be overwhelming. In some way, the grief I felt over Michaels death, attached itself to him, and I saw it as, if I gave up my grief, I was giving up Michael.
DeleteIn the end, God showed me that I didn't give him up, I still held his memories, but I NEEDED to give up the heavy grief.
Letting go is scary, but if you let go to HIM, then the reward is peace, hope, joy. <3